Natasha is my partner in crime. My beautiful, 29 yr old, tall, tan, 1/2 Mexican friend who fled to Chicago for a change of scenery after she split from her long term ex and she’s in town! Men love her just as much as they love me. It’s a dangerous duo. Let the festivities begin…
Friday night: Headed to Hollywood for some dinner, meet up with a couple of Natasha’s ex co-workers and Brody. Just Great. Remember him? The near 40, c-list celeb d-bag who I visited in NYC. He’s her friend and I’m a big girl so I go along for the ride and regardless, the night starts out great. Natasha is just as I remember, haven’t seen her for over 10 months and I really do miss her. As a girl who doesn’t make other girlfriends so easy, it’s really wonderful when you realize you have a true friend in another female, not just a fair-weathered fan or drinking buddy. Brody shows up at dinner, walks in and immediately complains of his side hurting, some allergy issue and feeling loopy because he took allergy medication. I’m not really sure what to do for this guy. Clearly, he just needs to be upgraded to A or B celeb status, but his time has passed and I have no attention to offer him. Instead, I drink more tequila. There’s a group of 6 of us at the bar, we’re still waiting for our table. At this point, Brody starts joking around to Natasha about our sexual history. It takes a good deal to phase me, so I allow it. He mentions that we dry humped, even goes on to say TWICE! He clearly does not understand that his next birthday is 40. And, who says dry humped? But really, who does that anymore? My bad. We sit. He sits next to me. He wants to take photos, selfies, and lots of them. We haven’t even ordered dinner so I need to keep my asshole-ness under wraps for at least another 30 minutes. We take some photos, I text the hilarity of it all to a couple of gf’s. All the while, thinking of this blog post….
Next scene. Dinner’s over. Brody leaves and later texts me how great it was to see me. I respond not at all. We head to a bar in Hollywood. There’s a line, I run into my Mr. Hollywood co-worker friend who I’ve had previous flirtations with but nothing ever happened. Which reminds me, we never got to my office…that’s an entire can of worms in itself. So again, we’re in a line but we’re with a B celeb friend and he gets us in. Once inside, same old. No one particularly interesting. I decide to just be silly and have some fun, but at some point the tequila vodka combo gets to me and Natasha and I have a heart to heart on a swinging patio bench. She tells me I go after the wrong men. Tell me something I don’t know, but it’s good to hear it said to me. We decide we’re drunk and it’s time to leave. Friday night ends with 0 bang.
Beach!!!! Great, beautiful day. A fairly attractive but douche-y man is checking me out on the beach. I try not to make eye contact. My friends go in the water. Look down. Look down. Doesn’t matter…dude walks over and says “Excuse me, I don’t know you, but I think you are absolutely gorgeous, would you like an ice cream cream off the ice cream truck?” I tell him he is very sweet, but no thank you. I later tell my mother and she is grossed out by his line. She makes me laugh.
Same thing, different place. Round 2 in Hollywood. We have a great group, 7 or 8 girls and are at one of the most happening spots right now. We’re sitting at a table and I look up and see Brandon, my ex’s friend from college many states away. Brandon took one of my good friends virginity and he was always the ONE friend who I thought was super hot. We make eye contact and I’m shocked, what is he doing there?! We hug, he tells me I look like a smoke show, which I extract great pleasure from and goes on to tell me he’s there for Landon’s (my ex) sister’s birthday. We start to walk over to their table and I change my mind. I tell him to just say hi on my behalf. Next thing I know Landon comes over and wants to hang out. I make it fairly clear that he should hang with his friends and that it’s nice to see him. 30 minutes later, Natasha and I walk over to the bar and he follows. He asks me why I am being weird. I tell him in the nicest way possible that I am in a bar and do not want to hang out with my ex! I’m not being weird. Shouldn’t this be obvious to everyone? He has not changed 1 bit. I go on to talk to a couple random men. Accidentally, yeah I said accidentally, give my number out to one and tell the other my last name. Fatal bar mistakes. Natasha and I are over it. We leave.
Back at her friend’s house…
We make a late night salad, are eating, talking etc. and fall asleep on her friends couch. At 5am, I wake up and realize my contacts are in, remove them and go back to bed. At 7am, I arise in a beaded dress, smeared eye liner, red lipstick that did not budge and a push up bra that is out of place. I get up to pee, walk around the couch half-blind and pull my dress up to then pull my thong out of my butt…on the return to the couch, I see that Brody has been sitting on a recliner near the kitchen the whole time. Great! Just Great. Nice morning ass shot for him. Guess he has a key to the Natasha’s friends apt while he looks for a new place? I don’t ask. I get my shit together and proceed with my Sunday….
I wake up to a Facebook friend request from guy in bar who asked for my last name and a series of text messages talking about fetishes from the man who I accidentally gave my number to. Another great Beach day! Natasha invites a guy from Tinder. He joins us, nice enough but no ones type. As we leave the beach, I see Landon. THREE TIMES IN TWO WEEKS! WTF!?!? He looks annoyed to see me and waves. Apparently, he’s a little bitter from our Saturday night run-in.
Fetish guy continues to text me all throughout Monday with minimal to no response from me. Finally I explode and say “I’m working, I cannot text you all day long and talk about your fetishes!” I think he got the message.
See you soon, Natasha. Always a whirlwind.