Having been single for many years in Los Angeles, I have acquired quite a few male friends. Some with intentions of being more, others who just enjoy my stories, I imagine most are the former…After a lengthy text catch up with one of these fine gentlemen in which I revealed how I was spending my 8-midnight, undoubtedly in his cynical snark-y NY tone he replied “with great power comes great responsibility.” He was most likely talking about my vagina but I romanticized it as all of me, all that I have worked so hard to embody; youth, beauty, focus, personality, culture, intellect, charm, sex appeal, empathy, passion. As you may already understand, during my most recent 3 years of singledom, confidence has not been of any controversy to me. What I have struggled with is monogamy, emotional availability, control, self control, desire for attention and plain old going after the wrong men. And oh the men, not few and far between by any means but how OVER all of them I truly am.
The major players:
1. Steven – successful, early 30s, aggressive, thoughtful, one of the least lazy, most driven men I have ever met. We dated on and off for over a year, he played a major role in rebounding me from my ex but was never able to give me what I needed. No fault of his. He is out of the picture for the most part, but in case he makes a friendship re-appearance, the only kind he would make, you should know who he is…We last saw each other last month for lunch and all was “civil.” I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m an asshole.
2. Mike – A reappearing figure since I first broke up with my ex…early 30s, classically good looking, tall, athletic, good penis, worldly, sweet, fun loving, a more shy George Clooney, who loves an exotic woman. We were never official by any means but we had chemistry, lots of it. He’ll be single ’til he’s 40 and we’ll continue to pretend that we’re just friends for just as long. It’s not meant to be, but he never gave it an honest go. It’s complicated now. Friday we gave each other shirtless massages and watched 3 episodes of a Showtime original series. Yeah, I don’t know either…
3. Kyle – Early 30′s, a friend of a friend who would not leave me alone the entire summer. He provided the attention I listed needing above. We got naked once, no sex. (I’m still deciding how much to share via blog. Cross your fingers that it gets racier.) He has a drinking problem and his problem often leads him to call me when he breaks up with his gf and talk to me as if I’m her… I hang up. Not interested. Kyle’s a real character.
4. Brody – Some C-list celeb that a friend of a friend set me up with. Near 40, real jerk. True example of how full of shit men are. He told me he was moving to LA from Chicago, had a bed coming, apt lease signed, furn en route, then went to NY and never came back. I visited him in NY, when I refused to sleep with him he acted like a 9 year old boy. At 3am in a pitch black hotel room in NYC, I charged my phone, gathered my belongings, hailed a cab and never spoke to him again. One must earn the downtown lady love, gentlemen.
Not even halfway through 2013, shall I continue?
5. Connor. Connor. Connor. Makes my heart skip a beat. I had known him for a couple years but he had a gf, we ran into each other out one night and my world froze. My best friend later told me she’d never seen two people more infatuated with each other. We saw each other for 2-3 months (Jan-March), we confessed long term crushes, shared heavy family stuff, prior sexual fantasies of the other, he even remembered what I was wearing the first time he saw me, referenced Facebook photos of mine and we actually had lots in common, similar interests, both from the East coast. I met his brother on our first real date. He told me he liked me and didnt want to play games. He grabbed me in the street after dinner, kissed me and told me he’d never felt like that when he kissed anyone before. The stars were aligning and it was meant to be. Then it wasn’t. We decided to try and pick it up later because he was overwhelmed with work, he’s in the industry so you see he’s busier than everyone else and thus not able to stick to plans, (in your best Sarah Marshall) bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. This is what 34 looks like in LA. We slept with each other a few times after. Then it was. July came and he asked if I’d go on another date with him. Ever so skeptical, I said yes anyway. August came and he still had not followed through but finally did just to talk, tell me he was overwhelmed, emotionally unavailable, seeing a therapist for heavy family issues. Needless to say, we slept together that night. So, then it wasn’t. Now it can’t be. But I want it to be. Insatiable, unbeatable, passionate sex that I don’t know how to let go of. It’s still not, but we ran into each other Saturday, he asked me to sleep over. I have 0 self control, we hung out ’til the bar closed, walked back to his apt with his friend who came up to have a drink, his friend walked up the stairs with us and then immediately turned around when he decided we should be left alone. Connor wrapped his arms around me and grabbed me from behind, I turned around, we made out passionately, a lot of it is a blur but I went to the restroom, took a very sexy black leather dress off, I was not wearing panties…came out feeling super confident in heels and a push-up bra. He was actually disappointed, he wanted to take my dress off so I put it back on in the restroom, came out, he grabbed me again, I demanded that he tell me his sexual fantasies, I led him into his bedroom, he pulled my dress up and started fucking me from behind, my dress came off, my bra came off, my heels stayed on. I told him I wanted to fuck on a chair, he followed me into the living room, tugging at my hair along the way and I sat him down in his recliner, climbed on top of him and started riding him. At some point, we made it to the couch and then back again to the bed, lots of dirty talking, hair pulling, ass smacking, it ensued for quite some time. I wanted to see him and asked that he put the lights on while we fucked. I was clearly drunk. I fell asleep on his chest and the last thing I remember saying was I like you. He said I like you too. And then it was morning and I have not heard from him since. He makes me cry.
6.David – Ye of little consequence to me. 35, in real estate, from LA originally… I met him when I first broke up with my ex, nearly 3 years ago. He’s a fire-at-many-targets man, never made me feel very special. We hooked up twice in 2011 and I recently went to a reggae concert with him, in a very stoned and horny stupor, made out with him and now he keeps coming back for more but I got nothing to give him. He made me dinner last week and it solidified my lack of interest. Hug. Goodbye.
7. John – He was really good at taking my eye off what I thought was the prize (Connor). He lives in SF, we met through a friend, 32, sales guy, big heart, lovable, close to his family, athletic, tall, handsome but something about him was never right for me. We dated all summer, about 3 or 4 months with half of that time not seeing each other. I slept with Connor when I think I wasn’t supposed to but I never fully committed to anything and now its finite-o anyway. Nice guy but kinda closed off. Bye-Bye.
8. Tim – A 33 year old venture capitalist with a Harvard MBA, easily pulls in 500K/year. He told me I was special, girls that look like me aren’t like me and that I could have anything I wanted. I nicknamed him the wife hunter. We never had sex. I was never immensely attracted to him. He was very nice, smart, down to earth and loved listening to me speak. Our last date was supposed to be the Philharmonic, but I decided to give Steven more of a chance and told Tim we couldn’t see each other anymore. Over the last few months, he’s posted Facebook pictures in Brazil and other exotic locations with some cute blonde. Just last week, he changed his Facebook status to “engaged.” Wife hunter. He wasn’t for me, but I’d rather not see the ring.
Now what? Yesterday I went on a blind date. Found out while on said date that he’s Republican, half Chinese and half Cuban. Bad temper and tiny penis, no thank you.
Today’s big wins:
A 2012 SF love interest of mine broke up with his gf and tried to re-spark my interest by texting and attempting to remind me of how dirty we used to talk. In other classy news, I had a car of two men hoot and holler as they slowly drove by, rolling down the window and yelling god knows what about my ass, don’t believe they even saw my face. As I walked down my street, two other gentlemen said you’re the winner! Of what I obviously replied while licking white cheddar puff residue off my fingers. Of the catwalk contest. Apparently, I have swagger. Blind date dude texted, no thank you. I sexted Connor like an idiot and his reply was minimal. Well kids, the hash tag is not #grandmahadfunallthetime, she’s working on it and in the meantime, should probably freeze some eggs so she has someone to tell these stories to, the PG version of course.